Two Crackheads

I think I've finally reached the peak of selling out to the fad of pop-culture pseudo-rebellion.  I'm currently sitting on a plane typing this entry on my new Macbook Pro, listening to MC Solaar (French rapper) on my Ipod nano, and wearing a moderately fitted t-shirt with the Ghostbusters logo proudly displayed on the front.  Somehow I've managed to become the antithesis of a conservative capitalist pig - not that I ever considered myself as such, but I definitely have my right-sided leanings.  The only thing keeping me from turning completely into a snooty coffee-shop-stalking buret-wearing poetry-spewing guitar-strumming imaginary-rebellious yuppie hippie is the fact I'm on my way to go skiing at Lake Tahoe.  Not snowboarding.  Skiing.  The one that old rich white men prefer.  I keeps it real like that.

So anyway, let's talk about relationships.

Now I must first give credit to where it's due.  The core of the ideas I am about to present are not my own.  Instead they came from a certain friend of mine, who we will call S. Kang to protect his identity from you online predators.  Actually, that's too obvious, we'll call him Sam K. instead.  Only someone from an engineering background such as his can take something like relationships, with its infinite shades of gray, and turn it into a distinctively concrete, very concise, and surprisingly logical bullet form list.  Perhaps this simplicity is where this theory derives its strength.

To begin, I must first stress what this list is NOT.  This is not a list of everything that goes into a successful relationship.  Instead, this is a list of three things that MUST go into EVERY successful relationship.  If you still do not understand this concept, let me put it another way.  Just as there are many different types of cakes out there, there are many different types of relationships.  However, all cakes have in common certain ingredients, like eggs, flour, water, and sugar.  Depending on the scenario and personal preference, however, cakes may or may not have chocolate chips, fruit, whip cream, etc.  We're here to talk about the eggs and flour of a relationship.  (Yes I realize there are ice cream cakes and cheesecakes.  Stop breaking my delicious dessert based analogies you bastard.)

As a second disclaimer, this entry is not simply limited to romantic relationships.  The list applies to all human friendships.  Since friendships are at the core of any relationship, be it professional, romantic, or between friends (duh), it translates pretty well to all manifestations of social bonds.

Without further ado, here are the three elements vital to any relationship: Fun, Respect, and Trust.  Now you may be thinking to yourself "that's so obvious Epson, you're an idiot for thinking this is somehow profound!"  Is it really though?  Let's analyze each in further detail.

First we have "Fun."  This one is pretty straightforward.  Two people must be able to have fun in order to enjoy each other's company.  This incorporates things such as sense of humor, similar interests, and that sense of "chemistry" that's so hard to describe with words but everyone has experienced as some point (kind of like asking you to describe what "salty" tastes like).  When you have fun with someone, time disappears.  Three hour phone conversations feel like they only lasted 15 minutes, and you can barely recall what topics were covered but you know you had a lot to say about whatever it was you talked about.  You can joke about the stupidest things and still somehow entertain (or be entertained).  You can go play basketball or hit some balls at the driving range, eat some fast food, and wait two hours in line to watch the latest superhero blockbuster movie on opening day.  I don't really need to explain further what having fun is like.  You just know.

The second element is Respect.  Any relationship, be it a good friend, a significant other, or a coworker, must have respect.  To list a few components, you must respect the person's intelligence, wisdom, moral/ethical fiber, generosity, patience, dedication, character, and passion.  Now not all of these are necessary, but they all contribute to an overall sense of respect for someone, and the more of these elements that are present, the stronger the respect becomes.  In essence, there must be qualities in the other individual that you admire, and these qualities must be greater than the person's shortcomings.  I'm not suggesting you must idolize the person, but think of it this way - you cannot date or be very close friends with someone who is, in your opinion, dumb as a rock, a pathologic liar, or stingy like Scrooge McDuck.  A hippie tree hugger will probably not be best friends with an investment banker, because the two simply would not have respect for each other's outlooks on life.

These first two components remind me of a Chris Rock standup routine, where he astutely points out when a relationship simply won't work.  I believe it goes something like this:

"That's right.  If you born-again, your woman gotta be born-again too.  If you a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead too.  Or the sh*t won't work!  You can't be like 'I'm going to church, where you going?'  'Hit the pipe!"  That relationship aint going nowhere!  Two crackheads can stay together forever."

Anyway, the last item on the list is Trust.  Some of this overlaps with respect, but at the core Trust is a very different thing.  Trust is when you can tear down your own defenses and really open up to a person, because you know the person will not hurt you when you are vulnerable.  Trust is when you can place a piece of your own welfare in someone else's hands, and know that they will not end up stabbing you in the back.  It is knowing the person isn't selfish enough to put their own interests ahead of your relationship with them.  It is knowing the other person is dependable, that they will be there when you are down, and will abide by that oh-so-important social code of conduct that binds us all.  Trust is knowing and respecting the other person's moral and ethical character enough to know they will do the right thing when the time comes, when faced with a difficult personal decision, when mutual interests conflict, when doing the right thing means making a personal sacrifice.  To willingly make sacrifices for a relationship, that is the utmost sign of a truly strong bond.

Think about all your current and past friendships and relationships.  How many of them meet all three criteria?  Think about that person who you SHOULD enjoy hanging out with but end up checking your watch every 10 minutes when you're with them.  Think about that coworker who you chill with at work but don't really care to show him or her to your other close friends.  Think back to that friend you always hung out with who would chirp about "bro's before ho's" and then backstabbed you or another mutual friend.  Think about that really hot date you had where you just wanted to bang your head against a brick wall everytime they opened their mouth, even though you know they are a nice down-to-earth person.  It's not so easy building a strong relationship is it?

I maintain, then, that all successful, deep, meaningful relationships must include all three of the above elements.  Notice how I avoided using the word love.  That word has come to mean so many different things to so many different people that trying to address it in an absolute sense would be biting off way more than I could chew.  I hope and pray for all of you to have at least one relationship in your life that possesses all three of these qualities.  Those are the relationships that will last, the ones that will make you a better person, and the ones that will bring you the most happy memories.

Mr. Burns: "I'll keep it short and sweet - Family, Religion, Friendship.  These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business."

2008 Smells Like Ice Cream

It's amazing how one single year can bring about so many changes, but here we are, 5 days into 2008, and I'm still dazed just thinking about 2007.  To say I'm happy that 2007 is over is like saying Michael Moore is only slightly overweight - meaning that it is the understatement of the century.  I am f'ing ecstatic that 2007 is over.  I'm not going to recount all that has happened in the previous 365 days of my life - that is not the purpose of this blog.  Strangely, I don't really know what the purpose of this blog is...

So looking ahead to this new year, the logical first question that comes to mind is "what is your new years resolution?"  I must confess that my resolution is sort of a cop-out one, but it's my resolution so I can do whatever I want.  Quoting Russell Peters, my resolution is "be a man, do the right thing."  Vague, yes, but if correctly applied it's strangely powerful (and mildly amusing if imitated in a fobby accent).  There's a lot of pride and ego standing between me and "doing the right thing," but here's to trying.  For starters, I began this new year right by not drinking on new years eve (or day).  I refused to bring in this joyous occasion inebriated and not in full possession of what remains of my faculties.

I can't divulge certain details of some of the changes to come this year just yet on a public online blog, perhaps in a couple months when things settle down after the proverbial  doodoo hits the fan I'll share the details with you three loyal readers.  I was taught that a  paragraph needs at least 3 sentences, so it seems I'm still short one more.  I wonder if that first sentence was a run-on...

Religion has always been one of those mysteriously foreign things to me, strangely familiar yet always just out of reach.  But over the last year this foreigner has managed to provide much comfort in my times of need, and if nothing else I've learned to be a better person for it.  I'm pretty sure the Christian path parallels my "doing the right thing" path, so really if the two are so closely related why not learn more about this thing known as Faith?  I've already taken one lesson from the Bible, that whole "turning the other cheek" business, and applied it to my own life.  I've got many cheeks to turn (4 to be exact!) so what's the harm in turning just one? Some of you have already heard that stupid joke before, but I like it so I'm gonna keep kicking the dead horse.  So here's to spiritual growth, may you stay strong and true in my life.  Of course when I write that I have this mental image of me raising a glass of champagne and toasting a crowded room - I guess it doesn't work quite as well online.  Use your imagination people.

On a closely related topic, the new Rambo movie looks awesome.  With a catch phrase like "Heroes don't die, they reload" I think we're finally going to have a ridiculously awesome action movie like the good ol' days (remember the first Lethal Weapon or Terminator 2?)  And I don't know how Stallone does it, the man must be a robot sent from the future, because no human being can be his age (the man was born a year after World War II ended!) and still be such a badass.  Brain, I'm shutting you off, because it's gonna be a good time and I don't want you ruining this movie for me.

This year should be a good one for movies - a few that come to mind: Batman Dark Knight, Wall-E, 10,000BC, Ironman, the next Harry Potter, the new Narnia movie, and that movie where Adam Sandler plays an Israeli secret agent turned hair stylist.  I might even throw in Hancock (Will Smith rogue super hero movie) into that list, but Big Willy Style is pretty hit or miss when it comes to movies so I'll reserve judgement there.

The hour grows late, so I must go goof around elsewhere now.  Til next time.

Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon.  What was his name?  Apollo Creed?